I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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