I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
