Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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