i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
