I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
