if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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