You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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