I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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