You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
