It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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