just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
