I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize