I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
