Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
