Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
