you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
