You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
