There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
