Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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