My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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