I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
