Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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