how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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