i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
