he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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