That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
