dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
