Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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