I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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