I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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