Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
