Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I need a beard to bite.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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