Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
