Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I believe in your delicious
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
