Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
