In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
