I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
