I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
