i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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