idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
