well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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