I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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