foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
