i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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