I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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