the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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