47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is classic penis vs brain.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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