chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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