i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
