the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
