Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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