i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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