Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
