I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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