im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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