I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
