i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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