Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
