You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
