Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
