oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Welp...herpes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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